The Anxiety Wars

Genetics. It's sort of interesting having kids and watching them grow- you start to see more and more of yourself in them. Sometimes that is a good thing. They share your eyes, your talents, your loves. But then there are those not so good things passed down. It's in their genes. It's like in middle school science class drawing out punnet squares to see what the chance is of having a blue eyed boy as opposed to a brown eyed girl.

I've mentioned a time or 2 about my own struggles as a child and as an adult with anxiety and depression. I have always been a worrier. Struggled to meet new people. Struggled in being the center of attention. Struggled with the unknowns of everyday life. And when I became a mother, I worried. I worried that I would pass on all of this to my children. That they would feel like I did as a kid. That's the job of an anxious person isn't it? To worry?

So I was on the look out for it. Determined to help them fight it. To give it a name for them. To not let them suffer, thinking they were the only ones who ever felt like they do. But then it happened.

It took us all by surprise. Out of nowhere something happened. To cause my anxiety to swell and the anxiety waiting inside one of my boys to pour out. And the thing is, even though I have lived this. I have felt this. I am sort of, some what, most of the time able to contain and control my own anxious brain. I have no clue how to help my child.

This event in his life caused this gate inside him to open. A gate that had previously held back this wealth of worry and distress. I knew it was there in him somewhere, but now all of a sudden it was thrust in all of our faces and we had to sink or swim. And for months we have been trying to stay afloat. And it is getting harder and harder.

I have a child so worried, about everything, that he feels sick near constantly. Then he worries about why he's feeling sick. I have a child who suffers from anxiety attacks that can last hours. Who suffers from insomnia. Who is terrified of the unknowns in life.

And I feel like I can't do anything for him. I talk. I listen. I give advice. Which usually helps for the immediate time- but not long. I am at a loss most of the time for what to do for him, as I see him sink farther and farther. It is so incredibly hard to watch your child in this kind of pain and not be able to do anything to ease it. So I search- for advice from others, available programs, a doctor that may actually help and not ignore the problem- and hope that someday soon we can find a way to help him to learn how to control his anxiety, how to turn and fight his fears instead of letting them win, how to live his life to the fullest without fear.

I went back and forth over whether or not to publish this post. It's a very personal issue, but I also think it is one worth sharing- for all of the people in the world who suffer in silence, who pretend to be fine. And for all other children who feel different, who want their life to go back to normal, who are scared of the world around them. It's important not to feel alone- and know that somewhere out there someone else is going through exactly the same thing as you. It's also important not to bottle things like this inside and allow them to grow and eventually explode in an unhealthy way. And although those who know me and my family personally will know which of my boys I am talking about, I do not plan on disclosing that here.

This post is linked to Things I Can't Say- Pouring Your Heart Out