I've voiced my frustrations with my oldest before. His reserved nature, his unwillingness to talk to people, answer people. His shyness and anxiety around others he doesn't know really well. I am sympathetic, I really am, because I was the same way. I worry too....because I was the same way- and really I still am that way.
But really, I am no better than he is. I still get nervous around new people. I still have unrealistic worries. Today was the perfect example. Our local support group started co-op classes today. We've taken them before, but this year I was asked to teach and I agreed. This is something way outside my comfort zone.
And this morning I had a 40 minute drive to think. I had a 40 min drive to start to feel sick. A 40 min drive to wonder why on earth I am nervous about teaching a group of 5-8 yr olds. A 40 minute drive to remember how I used to feel every first day of school, something my oldest has never experienced. A 40 min drive to swallow down panic and remember exactly how my oldest son feels when I tell him to join the group of cub scouts playing a game or to ask the neighbor if she needs help raking the yard. I know the internal struggle he is going through. When you want to do something, but something inside doesn't let go.
It's ridiculous really. And it was fine. It's always fine....all those worst-case scenarios never happen. My class ran according to plan. The 90-year old neighbor gladly accepted help with raking. We're still working on the cub scout participation....but whatever his worries are there...I am sure they will never really happen. Maybe he'll outgrow this and end up like his dad, who can talk to anyone, or maybe 20 years from now he'll still be worried and anxious, but also putting himself out there, trying to break that cycle.
It's sometimes difficult when we see our best and our worst traits reflected in our children. I see myself frequently, and sometimes it isn't pretty.
ReplyDeleteHey,
ReplyDeleteI can relate to your post. Daniel almost heaved up his breakfast this morning because he was so nervous and frankly I was about as nervous as he was. We are fairly outgoing. I told JP I felt like I was in high school again, all the parts I didn't like.
It was so cool, they all felt like they had each other. Tera said they sat on either side of Rylan in class and they liked knowing someone else there.
That's cool about Cale's writing, anyway they are excited about is awesome.
I can so relate. I mean, I have always been a 'people person' but I am very sensitive, and I have a really hard time in groups. I start to freeze up, or say things I shouldn't. It sucks becuase it seems to come out of the blue for anyone who knows me one on one. But for me, it has happened over and over again. I have started just avoiding crowds. Not the best, for sure, living in the city as I do now. But it is what I have to do to be comfortable.
ReplyDeleteI loved reading you seeing yourself in your kids. I see myself in mine a lot. Some days in one more than others... it ebs and flows.
Beautiful post.
Val