"Funny How a Melody Sounds Like a Memory"

Follow my blog with Bloglovin {Day 29,  Topic: 5 Songs}

Music is everywhere in my life, attached to most of my memories. I've always found it funny how a song can be connected to a moment in time, even if that particular memory isn't an important one, but simply just life. So what songs do I share? There are so many to choose from....

Childhood...

 

My childhood is marked by songs by The Beatles, Elvis, and The Beach Boys. Music is one of those things I never forget and I can still remember the lyrics to almost any song even if I haven't heard it in years. But stronger are the memories attached to these songs. What I think of when I hear songs from my Cocktail Soundtrack tape, who comes to mind when I hear songs by The Voice of the Beehive or The Bangles, or the mental picture I see when I hear Kokomo. But I am going to share a lesser known song. When I was young I had 2 favorite tapes- a recording of Shel Silverstein reciting his poems and Barry Polisar's Naughty Songs for Boys and Girls. I had them up until a few years ago when one of the boys' music players pulled the tape and I couldn't wind it back. But this one is one of my all time favorites: Never Cook Your Sister in a Frying Pan....and when I hear it I can see my younger self, my room, my toys, my tape player...

 Love...

 

Being a rather empathetic person I love most any love song. I can feel the feelings, good or bad, regardless if there are any similarities to my life. There are many, many songs out there that remind me of my love. But there are two song that I would say are "ours".

The fist takes me back to 17 years ago, at age 16, falling in love with my future husband. I was dating someone when we met, so we started out as friends. Head Over Feet came out right around that time, so it was on the radio all the time and the lyrics just spoke to me. And it didn't take long for me to fall head over feet for Paul....

 You've already won me over in spite of me
And don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet
Don't be surprised if I love you for all that you are
I couldn't help it
It's all your fault

And then there's Remember When,  which describes...

Our past- Remember when I was young and so were you, And time stood still and love was all we knew 

Our present- Remember when the sound of little feet, Was the music we danced to week to week

And our future- Remember when we said when we turned gray, When the children grow up and move away, We won't be sad, we'll be glad, For all the life we've had, And we'll remember when

Sadness...

 

I've mentioned my struggle with depression a time or two. It's a part of who I am, some days a bigger part than others. I know many people who surround themselves with happiness when they are feeling down- happy books, people, movies and music- but that's not how I work. I tend to surround myself with sad things and music is the front runner. Listening to sad music, while it may make my feelings worse for a moment, works as sort of a release. And I end up feeling better because of it. There's something about not feeling so alone. Hearing the lyrics, you know that someone else, somewhere out there is feeling just like you.

And 2 of the songs I listen to most are:

Runaway Train, by Soul Asylum. This one came out back when I was in middle school and it's been with me ever since.

 "Can you help me remember how to smile
Make it somehow all seem worthwhile
How on earth did I get so jaded
Life's mystery seems so faded "

And finally, the #1 song. If I could pick just one to share, a theme song of sorts, this one would be it. It's the song I play on repeat when I have bad days. It's the song I feel deep inside. And the one I can identify with the most....so if you ever want to know what's going on inside the head of someone who suffers from depression, this is it:

Full of Grace, Sarah McLachlan

I feel just like I'm sinking
And I claw for solid ground
I'm pulled down by the undertow
I never thought I could feel so low
Oh darkness I feel like letting go
If all of the strength and all of the courage
Come and lift me from this place
I know I could love you much better than this
Full of grace

So those are my 5 songs. What songs are on your life's playlist? (And in case anyone is wondering, this post's title [ "Funny How a Melody Sounds Like a Memory" ] comes from the song Springsteen, by Eric Church)

On Burnout, Writer's Block and Moving On

I've been feeling rather burned out lately. Well, make that very burned out. You know when you feel stressed and exhausted. Physically, mentally and spiritually.  It tends to happen when I put on a happy face too long. When I smile and push back and ignore that stress.  But there comes a point when you just can't anymore.

I used to write a lot when I was younger. Being published was a big goal of mine.  Then along came a time of extreme burnout and I got blocked. Sometimes I joke that I have had writer's block for over 10 years. Words used to flow from me- poetry, stories, etc. But they stopped. In the basement I have a box full of pretty books and journals filled with words. And seeing those books make me a little sad. Sad that I don't write much anymore and sad to see how my pretty books have been replaced with cheap 17 cent notebooks bought during school supply season at Target. And those notebooks don't exactly scream inspiration!

I think that tends to be the cause of burn out in moms. They put themselves last in a long line of responsibilities. They don't feed themselves and they lose their identity as a person and become simply "mom".  So I am trying. I've admitted to myself that if I want to feel better- I do have to take care of myself some.  I am trying to relax some of my requirements and checklists. I am trying to find time to do something for me- that has nothing to do with the kids.

But still, life goes on. Kids still need me, dinners need to be made, laundry needs to be done, the house needs to be swept and animals need to be fed and cared for. We sold Johnny last week. That was hard for me. Animals are a soft spot for me and I need to learn that we can't keep every animal that lives here on our farm. Especially the bucklings. Johnny was the first kid born here. And he was very sweet.

But in exchange for Johnny, we got Poppy. She's a Nubian doe, with one kidding under her belt. That is about all I know about her and she is still pretty skiddish around people. We are slowly trying to warm her up to us, but she still runs and comes back to eat once we've gone.

We should find out in the next couple days if our bid for the Nubian buck from the Carl Sandburg Farm was accepted. And if it was we will also be looking to rehome Thor...which I am sure will be equally as hard to do.

The Long Road Up

A few months ago I posted about one of my sons and his struggle with anxiety. We had a rough couple of months, but things have finally started to look up. As a parent there is nothing harder than watching your child in pain and struggling. You want to jump in and save them and take their pain as your own. But the truth is you can't. You have to tread water right there along with them, help them stay afloat and guide them to safety. That isn't easy. Even for me, who has experienced similar pain, the path isn't cut and dry. As you maneuver your way through you have to come up with a new normal. You have to help your child find a healthy new normal, because just like adults kids get stuck in bad habits and thought patterns.

At our low point, my anxious son was sleeping on the floor in my room every night. He wasn't sleeping and when he finally did sleep it wasn't restful. He was so stressed out that his body couldn't calm down at all. When he tried to sleep his body fought back with terrible hypnic jerks that woke him up and started his panic. These jerks made the cycle worse. As they occurred and interfered with his sleep he grew more and more exhausted, which in turn made the jerks worse. His interest in things was down. His mood was down. He lost weight. He got stuck in a cycle that had me researching things like Cyclic Vomiting Syndrome. It was a tense time for us, always waiting for when the next cycle might hit.

But we got help. At the end of 2011we found a program called Turnaround. It's a CD based program written for children who suffer from anxiety. It gave us a starting point. It made him think about what was happening to him. It helped me talk him through his anxiety more effectively. It helped him to realize that he isn't alone in this- he isn't weird. And it gave my husband some understanding about a world he had no experience with.

We started positive reinforcement. An incentive for staying in his own bed at night and calming him self down. Something to work towards to help him break the bad habits he admitted he was forming. His currency? Music. He earned one song from iTunes for each night that he was in bed by 10pm. But he couldn't get them until he had earned 4. It took a week to get the first set. And 2 more to get the 2nd set.  As he progressed I changed things- if he came down in the middle of the night and didn't go back to his room he didn't earn. If he didn't stay in bed he lost a song, etc. At one point he got into negative numbers. And once he was so far back we had to wipe the slate clean and start over. But he broke his cycle. As he got to bed earlier, his body got rested and his jerks stopped. He had interests again. He played again. He smiled again. Things were looking up.

Over the past couple months I have been guarded. I know better than to say he's cured and move on with life. I know there will be setbacks. I know he will struggle with anxiety, and most likely depression, in his life. I know he will enter another cycle at some point. But although I knew this,  I can't help but get that sinking feeling when signs start to show. When he ends up in my room at night again.


Are we back at the bottom? No. 10 steps forward, 1 step back. And that is okay. It's part of the journey. We'll make it to the top one of these days. Together.

linked to the Encourage One Another Link Up

Days Go By

I have been thinking about school a lot these days. I actually sat down to write a pro and con list of whether or not to send the boys to school next year. And the thing is....all of my pros are superficial. They are things that could be solved with a little bit of work on my part- getting us out there and around other people more instead of being a homebody all the time. And my con list contains real issues. The real issues that started us on this homeschool journey in the first place. 

Rylan making his first cheese cake

Usually when I hit this spot it is because I am burned out. And while I won't say that I am not- it was different this time. It was more of a wondering of would it benefit us all to take a different path.  But I can't ignore all of the reasons on my con list that tell me that sending them off to public school would be a bad idea. 

Annika. Pouting.

I know myself enough to know that part of my problem is that my confidence is shaken.  I tend to be a self doubter- but years ago I was pretty confident in my ability to educate my kids in a fun, engaging way.  I was full of ideas and could write out an entire unit in a couple nights and put it into action. Now I am not so certain.

Lakin and June

And back even further I was pretty confident in my skills as a mother. I was fun. I could care less about a mess born from creativity. Our systems and schedules all worked. Now I am not so certain.

Snake in the creek

So what is different now?

Picking buttercups

Somewhere along the way I've gotten blocked. Creativity seems less and farther in between. I allow the negative voices in my head override the positive. Anxiety and depression creep back in and wait in the background. And life in general gives roadblocks and detours. Sometimes paths are changed when you least expect it and you don't notice until you are already well on your way.

Cale making pizza for dinner

So now what? Where do I go from here?

Climbing on the table to get a closer look

I  go back to my nature. To plan. To write lists of what I want to change, what I want to do, what I want to teach. I attempt to give up the notion that I have to do everything, right now, by myself.  I ask for help.

From my front porch looking out

And realize that it is okay to use a curriculum written by someone else. And it is okay to alter that curriculum as I see fit. And it is okay to use one written by me.

Kids and Kids

It is okay that we haven't done any actual science work in months, because our lives are so full of "science". It's okay that I have given up on this year- as far as planning units- and anything I come up with in the next couple  months will be used next year.

Annika and Bella

I strive to see the joy and happiness in my life and not let my negative tendencies override them.  To let go of the worry over the future and the present and enjoy my children and my family.

Are you talking to me?

And to simply live. And love. And have fun. 

Fun

Smile

Smile though your heart is aching
Smile even though it's breaking
When there are clouds in the sky, you'll get by
If you smile through your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You'll see the sun come shining through for you


Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear may be ever so near
That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying?
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile


That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying?
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile

So I am going to smile.


Because Spring is almost here. My bush cherries and plum trees are blooming. My peas have sprouted. Because my boys are happy and healthy and loving the warmer weather.

Because of this little girl- who is closing in on 3 months old, "talks" all the time and as of this past Wednesday is up to 9 lbs 15 oz.

Because of good friends and the fact that my cupcakes were featured on The Cupcake Blog.

Because all of us, Paul included, are on Spring Break this week and I have big plans to get out of the house and out of this funk.

Winter

It's that time of year. The air is cold. The sunlight is short. My mood takes a turn for the worse. And I start to reevaluate. Everything. I think too much. Feel guilty about too much.

The down economy you hear about everywhere has hit us hard this year. It's caused a lot of stress and pressure and altered how we live our lives. And we are searching for changes.


I don't like the way our homeschool is going right now. We don't have the balance I want. And I am pretty certain we haven't achieved the balance that the kids want. I am searching for changes. For what is most important to me. For our home. For our family.

Randomness and Pictures

I am feeling very uninspired these days...


and with creativity in low supply...

I have nothing of interest to actually write about

I'll let the pictures do the talking; my 4 reasons to keep on trying.

National Depression and Mental Health Month

October is Depression and Mental Health Awareness Month. And tomorrow October 10, 2008 is National Depression Screening Day. So in honor of this day I am going to share my experiences with this disease.

Depression is something that has been surrounding me for most of my life. When I was younger it didn't have a name. But looking back I can name it now. One of the most outstanding memories for me was when I was 7 yrs old. I remember sitting with my legs dangling out my 2nd story window. I remember thinking that my family would be better off without me around.

My preteen and teenage life was a series of " I don't knows" and "I don't cares" to questions. It was a feeling of not belonging. It was thrusting myself into school. Being too hard on myself for anything less than 100%. It was putting a smile on my face and pretending everything was wonderful. And it worked. I think I hid my feelings well for the most part. I appeared happy. Sometimes I could talk myself into actually being happy, after all I had no real reason to be unhappy.
Sometime after I graduated highschool things started to go downhill. Anxiety and panic attacks crept in. I couldn't hide it anymore. Paul was left with a shell of a girl who never smiled and sat there with a bottle of pills in her hand. It took some time to find a medicine that didn't cause my problems to get worse. But I couldn't shake the guilt for being on meds for something like this. I heard a lot of "why can't you just be happy?" -there is a lot of disbelief that this is a real condition.

-but she just couldn't stand it when I 'd explain that nothing at all was wrong, that it was just a matter of everything. ~ Prozac Nation by Elizabeth Wurtzel

So I survived. I made it through my first year of college with a full course load and a 4.0 GPA. I signed up for a full course load summer semester too. I was back to putting on a happy face and burying myself in work. If I didn't stop, the negative feelings wouldn't creep back into my mind. 2nd year of college began and I was failing fast. And everything came to a complete hault one night, in December of 1999. I can't remember now what happened. We were getting ready for bed. I was upset about something. I went into the bathroom and saw the razor. There wasn't any hesitation when I started cutting. Superficial. It wasn't about suicide. It was about giving real pain and real scars to the real pain I was feeling that no one could see and some wouldn't awknowledge. Within 2 days I was completely addicted. All I could think about was cutting. I couldn't concentrate at work. I was hospitalized for a few days. Meds were changed. I was released. Nothing much had changed other than 5 days without a razor was enough to break my cycle. I dropped all my classes and withdrew from the university.

The plain fact of it was that I was miserable- though my misery wasn't so much sadness as it was a shrieking unease, a gnawing despair, which I had been trying that morning to cut out of myself. ~ The Skin Game, by Caroline Kettlewell

So I gradually recovered. I cut a few more times but it never got as bad as it had been. Meds helped, I found a psychologist that I could sort of talk to. And I was off meds by the time we concieved our first child. With Rylan I had no apparent problems, with Cale I had PPD. With Cohen I got PPD even worse- I was on meds before he was born. I fought meds each time. I hated the fact that I needed to be medicated to be a good mom. With Lakin I was back on meds by the time I reached the end of my 1st trimester. But I sucessfully weaned off of them before he was born and haven't been back since.
I still struggle. I still put on a happy face. I still fight the urge to cut. I will the rest of my life. Depression is real. You can't just snap out of it. You can't just choose to be happy. It's a powerful disease that is unspoken and dismissed a lot of the time.

So to anyone out there that is living with depression or hiding depression. Get help. Find a medication, a homeopatic remedy that works for you, a person you can talk to. Don't hide it. Don't feel guilty that you have no real reason to be unhappy. And if you are living with someone who has, or you think may be suffering with depression. Listen to them and don't try to fix them. And the 2 books I quoted above Prozac Nation and The Skin Game helped me immensly. Reading the words of someone who has felt what I felt.....it made it real.

Depression
There are several types of depression -- major depression, dysthymia, bipolar depression, and Seasonal Affective Disorder.
Clinical depression or major depression is a serious and common disorder of mood that is pervasive, intense and attacks the mind and body at the same time. Current theories indicate that clinical depression may be associated with an imbalance of chemicals in the brain that carry communications between nerve cells that control mood and other bodily systems. Other factors may also come into play, such as negative life experiences including stress or loss, medication, other medical illnesses, and certain personality traits and genetic factors.
Symptoms of depression:
Persistent sad, anxious or empty mood
Feelings of hopelessness or pessimism
Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, or helplessness
Loss of interest or pleasure in ordinary activities
Decreased energy, a feeling of fatigue
Difficulty concentrating or making decisions
Restlessness or irritability
Inability to sleep or oversleeping
Changes in appetite or weight
Unexplained aches and pains
Thoughts of death or suicide